GratitudeLog

Morning! I'm going to run around today like a crazy person. Looking forward to it!

I think you have to see your flaws, but I believe people look at everything as a flaw. I have that from my fathers side. I really don't think I can do anything good. I'm trying to do everything perfect, but I never manage. Or at least in my head. I'm not happy with my body. I wish I just could change body with someone I think look stunning. This is things I'm trying to stop to think! Yesterday was a great day! I thought I looked so good, I did a great job at my work, and I'm done with all my curriculum 1 month before school is done! I'm feeling great. But then down days comes. I'm afraid this is one of them. Meeting my step sisters has a tendency to make me feel less worthy, less good, and I all of the sudden have so many flaws I really should just jump.

I think I once before told you that on my fathers side my uncle, my aunt and too of my cousins have been in a mental institution. Two of them with eating dissorders, the too other with thoughts of killing themselves. It's in my blood, and at times I see that I have their traces. I beat myself up. I wish I could be skinny, look good. Thank good I have a mum, a boyfriend and a grilfriend whom takes very good care of me. My girlfriend once said that if I ever tried anything like that she would beat me up until I stoped

I have lived a life where my mum have always said I was beautiful, and I believed it until I was about 15, then I just turned. I have never had a weight in my house, my mum don't believe in them (she got really skinny when my father left, and she took care of me all alone she stoped caring so much for herself). So this is something that just gradually happend, I can find so many flaws with me O, and very few good things. If any at times!

Therfor I have decided not to look at them as flaws anymore, it's a part of me. I know there is things I should change, like being a bitch at times. But also things that I can't do anything with. I have the bonestructure I have, I can't do anything with that. No matter how thin I get (I weight 121.2 pounds) I will still have hips and an ass, and to tell you the truth I actually looked like a skeleton! And that is not healthy! I was 15 pounds under weight. I have to look at every flaw as a part of me, I would not be me without my flaws. But there is always things I can change in my acting, speaking and being. But I don't think their flaws, I think their just me having to evolve!

So today I will embrace feeling flawed when I meet my step sister. I will walk with my head held high! And I will try to find tofu

Love you ape
C